Hi all,
Its that time of the week again I'm afraid:
My wife called me a sad bastard because I always plan things months in advance.
That's her off my Christmas card list.
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The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth............... (with apologies to Frannie and Nacy amongst others)
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A 1989 mini City was broken down on the hard shoulder of the A1. The owner looked under the bonnet in misery: the distributor cap was cracked, his RAC membership had expired two months ago, and he was 50 miles from home.
At that moment a bright yellow Lambourghini pulled onto the hard shoulder, and reversed back to him. The driver got out, smiling, and said 'That mini was my first car! I can't believe it's still on the road!' The two drivers got chatting, and after a few minutes the Lambo driver said, Look, shall I tow you off the motorway? It's only a couple of miles to the next junction.'
'Um', said the mini driver, 'that would be great, but could you go really slowly?'
'Sure', said the Lambo driver, 'I'll go nice & slow. And how about this, if you think I'm going a bit fast, flash your lights - and if you think I'm far too fast, beep the horn.'
Off they set, and had barely been towing for two minutes when a red Ferrari pulls level with the Lambourghini. The Ferrari driver waits until he has the Lambo driver's full attention, then flicks some V's and floors it. The Lambo driver, his rescue mission completely forgotten, slips his car into second and takes off after the Ferrari.
Two minutes later they pass a police radar van, neck and neck as they race along the carriageway. It's the constable's first day in traffic, and gets on his radio to the sergeant:
'Sarge! You're not going to believe this one! There's a red Ferrari going down the inside lane at a hundred and one miles per hour!'
'Well, we've all seen something like that when we've been on radar patrol, son', replies the sergeant in a world-weary manner. 'We'll get him, don't you worry.'
'Yes, Sarge, but there's a yellow Lambourghini in the outside lane racing him, doing a hundred and two miles per hour!'
'Aye, son, sometimes it's a race that makes them lose their heads' says the sergeant.
'Yes Sarge, but there's a mini racing them too, and he's right up behind the Lambo, flashing his lights and beeping his horn and they're not letting him past!'
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When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
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In 1872 the Arabs/Muslims invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine .....
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
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I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth fairy etc.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
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I've managed to lose over a stone on the Adam Ant diet. It's really very easy: Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.
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I have a photographic memory.
Unfortunately it's never been developed.
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I went up to this very obese woman in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes Nice."
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at which point the atmosphere turns a bit chilly, so I'll get my coat...........................
